The Dark Star

Last weekend I finished reading Dark Star Safari by Paul Theroux. I’ve been wanting to read one of Theroux’s books for a long time because from what I’ve gathered he sets the bar for travel writing. In this book he relates a journey made overland (except for one flight) from Cairo to Cape Town, so it seemed appropriate to begin reading the book on my trip to South Africa before Christmas but to be honest I didn’t get much headspace or time for reading so only really got into it after Christmas.

The verdict? It’s a really good read and he’s a great writer, he definitely knows what he’s doing. But to be honest if I met him I don’t think I’d like the guy. He comes across a bit arrogant and ‘up himself’, and despite the fact that it’s the people stories which bring life and colour to his story-telling, I’m not altogether sure he actually likes people. Wikipedia describes his writing as misanthropic so I guess that fits. Initially I thought he wasn’t prepared to rough it because he seemed to spend a lot of time ‘swanning’ around consulate parties, hob-nobbing with the local Who’s Who and getting driven round sights of interest, so I wasn’t getting a sense of gritty travelling. However that perception changed when he got a ride on a truck crossing Kenya and the truck got shot at by local bandits. Fair play – I’d be on the next plane home after something like that!

Having lived in parts of Africa 40 years previously to writing this book, Theroux is qualified to offer some insights on the changes he observes in the countries he travels through, and alas most don’t seem to be for the better. His perception is that foreign aid has made things much worse for the ordinary people creating a dependency on donor intervention perpetuated by corruption at the top. He is extremely scathing of aid workers as ignorant and blatantly unhelpful types. And the Christians he encounters all seem to be rather one-dimensional in a cringe-y kind of way. All this kind of wrecked my head a little bit, but I think in a good way. A reviewer countered the aid agency criticisms in the book saying that Theroux didn’t actually visit aid projects for himself in order to make a judgement on the value of their contribution – fair point. However I think the book has helped me to think through some of the notions we have about the Third World and how we in the West help or rather, think we help. I haven’t got it all figured out yet but my current work experience in Public Achievement is helping me to value the place of citizenship education much more highly than I did previously. If governments don’t function as they should so much can go south. It’s not enough to chuck money at a country, support for good governance is also needed. Who the heck am I to think I have any answers? I don’t but it’s good to wrestle with this kind of stuff.

So do I recommend this book? Yes definitely, I think if you’ve ever been to Africa, if you’re going to Africa, if you’d like to go to Africa… then read it. You’ll not necessarily agree with everything, you won’t necessarily have (had) the same experiences as the author, but there’s challenging insight, entertaining commentary and sights and sounds of this vast and fascinating continent aplenty.

Won!

For the first time in my life I've won a competition! I've mentioned before on this blog that I'm a Wanderlust subscriber and I often enter the various competitions they run each month - many are for impressive holidays overseas and sadly I didn't win one of those, but they also have various DVDs or books up for grabs and I got an email yesterday saying I've won what promises to be a stunning photo collection entitled: Earthbound: A Rough Guide to the World in Pictures. Looking forward to its arrival in the post!

Update: the book arrived and it contains beautiful and inspiring images - I'm well chuffed!

Life is more...

Life is more than clothes and cars and a new flavour of toothpaste...it is community and creation and beauty and humanity. And I think I am starting to prefer the latter to the former; by that I mean I am getting used to not having any music or television and not pulling over and buying something as a way of feeling some kind of change. There is a serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawal is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in its own skin.

Last night I finished this great book by Donald Miller, author of Blue Like Jazz which I've mentioned before. It's a road-trip book - 2 guys spending a few months driving from Texas to Oregon in a beat-up VW campervan, and the book reflects their pace - mellow, laid-back, take things as they come, with some nice prose and good observations on life, love and the universe.

And if these mountains had eyes, they would wake to find two strangers in their fences, standing in admiration as a breathing red pours its tinge upon earth's shore. These mountains, which have seen untold sunrises, long to thunder praise but stand reverent, silent so that man's weak praise should be given God's attention.

I can't remember the last time I watched the sun rise. I think I need a road-trip.

Published!

I’m now a published travel writer and photographer! Well, kind of! I subscribe to Wanderlust magazine (a subscription not to be taken lightly because reading those magazines does you serious harm, you just want to instantly skip off across the globe on a big mission of exploration) and about a year ago there was this item on their website about the publication of a new travel book called ‘Weird World’ - they wanted people to send in their photos of the weird and bizarre things they’d seen on their travels to contribute to this book. I sent in a picture (previously featured here) which I’d taken from my work trip to Texas in April ’08 and promptly forgot about it…until I came home from work the other day and found a parcel in my letterbox which made me curious considering I hadn’t ordered anything recently and wasn’t expecting any deliveries. It turned out to be a copy of Weird World complete with my picture credited to me on page 121. And in fact my photo also features on the front cover! (If you look carefully you’ll see the outline of a graffittied car – my photo was of Cadillac Ranch where 10 Cadillacs are buried nose-deep in the dirt randomly in a field.) I've only had a flick so far through the rest of the book and there are some suitably weird photos including ones of people with various sharp implements stuck through parts of their faces, not exactly tasteful, but whatever floats your boat.

Perhaps a new career awaits me? (Hey, it’s nice to dream!)

Last Day

Yesterday was my last day as an employee of the Board of Youth & Children’s Ministry in the Presbyterian Church in Ireland! I had been on a 3-year externally funded contract and despite various efforts over the last year or so, no further funding was secured. I left with mixed emotions – a certain amount of frustration that the funding couldn’t get sorted to continue the work I’ve been doing and sadness to be leaving my colleagues for whom I have a lot of respect for their dedication, devotion and faithfulness to young people in PCI but also gratitude for how good the last 3 years have been. It’s been a great role, when I started I was lacking a little bit of confidence owing to some previous experiences but the job allowed me to find my feet in youth work again and I’ve learnt so much, particularly about community relations work and peacebuilding – it’s been a personal as well as professional journey of growth and development. I’ve had the opportunity to work with some fantastic people and it’s been energising to work with young people in a variety of projects and spheres. My highlights would include meeting Mary McAleese, President of Ireland, in February ’07, attending the Summer Peacebuilding Institute in Virginia, USA in May ’07, running the PYP programme with a group of young people at the Vine Centre, being involved in the SPUD youth assembly, a day on site building with Habitat for Humanity, training youth leaders and taking them on Field Trips to Stroke City meeting local guides from both sides of the community, leading the Adventure Camps, the project in Tullycarnet last summer…man, there’s been a lot of good stuff!

My colleagues were very generous in their gifts including these 2 books which look great on my coffee-table and I’m going to enjoy delving into them regularly!


It’s all still a little surreal, I don’t think it’s sunk in yet that I’ve left – I haven’t quite got my head round it all, but the lie-in this morning was very welcome indeed. As for what’s next, well I’m not 100% sure just yet but there are a couple of possibilities in the pipeline so hopefully more on that at a later date.

Heart of Darfur

The other night I finished reading Heart of Darfur by Lisa French Blaker, a nurse who works for Médecins sans Frontières. A gripping read yet beautifully written – moving, honest, heart-rending. Part of me almost felt guilty for taking pleasure in reading this book - almost as if I was benefitting from the suffering people are going through in this region, and I questioned why Blaker should gain as a writer out of her experience there. But she doesn't come across as the type who would do something just so she could write the book and ultimately it’s a story that needs to be heard, we need to know what is going on in Darfur. Like Blood River which I wrote about a few months ago, hope reveals itself in the humanity found in even the bleakest places. Blaker writes with wisdom:

Our drama in a small corner of Darfur was one of many, our needs and frustrations just part of living in a chaotic, mad world. But it gave my life meaning, to be part of a solution, no matter how small. Seeing the overwhelming needs and fears in the world we can all be excused for wanting to withdraw. When there is nothing you can do but watch the misery of others’ lives it is self-preservation to close your ears and eyes. I know because I have done it often. But stepping forward and participating, allowing yourself to feel and see and reach out, can cure apathy. It’s about being part of the chaos and refusing to accept all the madness. It comes down to choice.

I finished Blood River at the weekend and it was a very good read – quite different to other books I’ve been reading of late and those I’ve mentioned here, but very good and well written. It charts the quest of a journalist, Tim Butcher, to retrace the footsteps of Henry Morton Stanley (of “Livingstone I presume?” fame) across the Congo in 2004, a quest most thought would be impossible given major infrastructural difficulties and the threat of attack from rebels. I’m not a history buff to be honest but Butcher’s ability to relate the history of the region kept me engaged, his commentary was insightful and perceptive – particularly in helping me understand more of what he calls ‘sovereignty-stripping’ in the wake of colonialism, and I truly admired his courage and perseverance. His journey definitely brings a whole new meaning to adventure travel. It’s quite a depressing book because it demonstrates just how bad things can get on planet earth and how terrible we humans can be. But it is the characters whom Butcher meets who truly bring this book to life. There are two very poignant moments recounted – one, when a man who helps Butcher as he tries to find passage on a boat down a particular part of the Congo River begs him to take his 4 year old son with him because he is desperate for his son to have a new life, and the other, when whilst travelling by motorbike through rainforest Butcher stumbles upon a railway sleeper completely overgrown by the forest growth. He describes it thus:

"It was a complete reversal of the normal pattern of human development. A place where a railway track had once carried trainloads of goods and people had been reclaimed by virgin forest, where the noisy huffing of steam engines had long since lost our to the jungle’s looking silence…I was travelling through a country with more past than future, a place where the hands of the clock spin not forwards, but backwards."

Longing for something more

(Warning, this might be a bit on the long side, but hey, it’s not often I get deep and philosophical on this blog so make the most of it!)

For the last number of years Christmas time has been a time when I’ve taken the ‘Bah humbug’ attitude. I get fed up with the commercialism & materialism, the rushing around, the pressure for it to be a ‘special’ time of year etc and I guess my strategy has been all about survival.

Psychologically it’s a time when we are all winding down – finally getting round to doing the filing we’ve been putting off for several months, getting bits and bobs tidied up at work so that when we go back in the New Year everything feels fresh and you can make a clean start.

Mark reflected a wee while back on how we seem to be so desperate for something that the Christmas anticipation starts ages back in October but he also makes the point that reaching the end of the year in itself is significant. And the reality is that everyone is dropping like flies with illness because we’re tired out and ready for a break and we’re all just hanging on by the skin of our teeth to get to the holidays to get switched off. (Unless you’re in retail of course and man I take my hat off to you, I couldn’t work the hours you guys work at this time of year!) Our body clocks seem to be tuned in to the calendar year and we’re glad for the chance to let it all hang out for a bit and get our batteries recharged so that we can get stuck into a New Year.

Mark’s post made me think though – if I’m honest I think I try to ignore Christmas because I’m disappointed that the magic isn’t real – presents won’t magically appear in my living room, fairies won’t flit about and do my dishes à la Disney's Sleeping Beauty, and the all-important snow only shows up in this part of the world once in a blue moon (and even when it does it tends to turn to grey slush fairly quickly). I think I’m maybe longing for something more…

Last week at the PCI Church House Carol Service, one of the staff who is originally from Zimbabwe and has been living here for 4 years shared with us an email from some friends about what Christmas in Zimbabwe is like now. Zimbabwe has changed dramatically in the last few years, beyond recognition for my colleague if he was to go back. For the shops which are open there is hardly anything on the shelves, people are desperately trying to eke out a living. Christmas is Jesus because that’s pretty much all they have. They don’t know what’s going on, they don’t understand what God is doing, but they know and trust that God is at work. All they have is Christ and Christmas heralds the time of Emmanuel – God with us.

Hearing about Christmas from this totally different standpoint has helped me get things into perspective a little more. It’s nothing new that I’m longing for something more, it’s indicative of that inbuilt ‘God-shaped hole’. So I guess I want to make a conscious effort to be a blessing to the people around me this Christmas, it’s NOT about me or what I can get out of it. Though I know that I’ll fail miserably in places because I mess up, I’m wayward and I don’t like not getting my own way. But the something more has come into the world, something magical has happened and is happening.

So maybe it’s down to trust, and choice – I choose to believe in God’s goodness and justice and righteousness, I choose to follow him and walk in His ways, I choose to believe that good wins the day. This year, Christmas represents hope for me. Hope for the future. The world is a bleak place - I’ve just started reading Blood River and I’m being made aware afresh of the travesties which have occurred down through the centuries, what humans have done to humans and what humans still do to humans is truly horrendous – Lord have mercy on us! But there is hope, hope that we are not abandoned or left carry on in this quagmire by ourselves, but God is with us in the midst and depths of our grief and pain and loss. A new day is coming… This Christmas I will remember that God is with me and I get to be part of He’s doing in the world… and that is truly magical and wonderful.

David Stevens also provides a good thought for the season here.

The weekend before last I finished reading Bear Grylls’ book on his record-breaking climb to the top of Everest, Facing Up. I’ve been a fan of the Born Survivor series for a while so it was great to find out what he was like as a writer and I wasn’t disappointed, this is a great read. Neil has also written a great post about Bear and his achievements recently.

What I love about Bear Grylls is his youthful exuberance and constant positivity. He’s received a bit of a slagging here and there because when filming the Born Survivor series he doesn’t always sleep in the wild on every night of the experience particularly on the night before a particularly strenuous climb etc. I’d say he’ll always have a few critics of the programme – that it’s not a true wilderness experience etc – but then at the end of the day that’s not what the programme is about, it’s a demonstration of survival skills for the armchair viewer and to become proficient you really need to get out there and do a course or something. I don’t know if you’ve ever seen Survivorman on the Discovery Channel, the guy in it, Les Stroud, really goes the whole hog – whereas Bear Grylls has a camera crew, this guy is the camera man and carries his camera equipment (or uses parts of it to make a fire) with him so that he can document his trip himself as he is left in the wild to just get on with it himself. It’s a good show but to be honest he comes across as one of the dourest people in the world and by the middle of the show you just feel like there is no joy in anything and you wonder why you would bother trying to survive anyway. Bear’s enthusiasm and love for life is in stark contrast and for me he ranks up there with the likes of Bruce Parry and Ray Mears, he’s got a different approach and different strengths to them but he makes a great contribution to TV.

The thing that has always come through in the TV shows is Bear’s faith and he’s openly said it’s not his crutch but that it’s his backbone. In one episode where he’s in the Ecuadorean rainforest he wakes up in the morning and spots a beautiful flower on it’s own in the tree canopy above him. He describes it as an example of the extravagance of God’s grace that He would place something so beautiful in a place no-one is likely to see.

Bear’s faith comes through even more strongly in this book – his appreciation of godly wisdom, he’s not afraid to ask others for help and for prayer, and he recognises the central place of prayer in his spiritual walk. He shares a letter from his grandfather who writes, “Keep on in there, your struggles are a triumph for guts and Godliness.” Bear responds, “The words guts and godliness struck me hard. It was all that I aspired to.” I find those words resonating within me too. The guy’s definitely got a lot of depth.

Incidentally Bear Grylls is just back from a fundraising adventure to Antarctica where he got injured kite-skiing (as you do!).

I finished an absolutely amazing and inspirational book this week – Three Cups of Tea tells the story of a mountaineer, Greg Mortenson, who as he came down K2 in Pakistan from a failed attempt on the summit in 1993, lost his way and then collapsed in a remote village, Korphe. The locals took him in and with hospitality beyond their means got him back on his feet. He discovered that the village had no school and the government didn’t provide a teacher, so they shared a teacher with a neighbouring village and on the days the teacher didn’t come to Korphe the children were left to get on with their lessons themselves out in the open, those without slates scratching sums in the dirt. So he promised the village chief that he would come back and build him a school. Fast forward 15 years and now the charity he founded, Central Asia Institute, has built 78 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan focussing on education for girls and providing a balanced alternative to the Wahabi madrassas – religious schools which often foster extremist Islamic fundamentalism.

I was attracted to the book because I love reading anything involving mountains in far-off places, and stories of places like the Karakoram Highway have always conjured up awesome jagged peaks and vast, remote landscapes in my imagination. The summary on the back also held appeal with the line, “at once a riveting adventure and a testament to the power of the humanitarian spirit.” I love to read stories of people who actually make a difference on the ground, people who don’t just talk about it or think about it, they get out there and do it. Mortenson is one such person. I found it so inspirational that he just resolved to do something despite having nothing to start with and got stuck in. It’s not an ‘arm’s length’ charity where good is performed ‘to’ or ‘at’ people from a distance. The guy really knows his stuff and has gotten to know the people and customs of these remote areas from the inside out earning trust the hard way. The CAI approach is one where they seek to ensure that the local community is in the driving seat initiating, implementing and managing the projects and I like that focus on local empowerment. The book also has a lot to say about the war on terror and the failures of US foreign policy with its core belief that the enemy is ignorance. Moreover Mortenson says,

“I’ve learned that terror doesn’t happen because some group of people somewhere like Pakistan of Afghanistan simply decide to hate us [Americans]. It happens because children aren’t being offered a bright enough future that they have a reason to choose life over death.”

Incidentally, the name of the book comes from the words of Korphe’s village chief who became a close friend of Mortenson.

“Here we drink three cups of tea to do business: the first you are a stranger, the second you become a friend, and the third you join our family, and for our family we are prepared to do anything – even die.”

So get a hold of this book, I think it’s going to be one I will return to for inspiration again and again. There are also a couple of videos on CAI on the Outside magazine website.

Captivated?
Way back in the springtime I read a book which I meant to blog about at the time as it has attracted a wee bit of controversy, so finally, here’s my pennysworth! The book is Captivating: Unveiling the Mystery of a Woman’s Soul by Stasi & John Eldredge which I guess serves as a companion to John Eldredge’s Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secret of a Man’s Soul. I guess the main idea is that as Christian women we should see ourselves as captivating. But I’m afraid I was not totally captivated by this book. I’ve spoken to friends who gave up after the first few chapters, one even said that it was the first book she’d ever thrown across the room! I stuck with it, there must be a stubborn thing in me and to be fair I rewarded with finding some really great teaching. In particular I really enjoyed the stuff exploring Adam & Eve in Genesis and the fact that Eve was described as being ‘ezer kenegdo’ i.e. ‘desperately needed’. The Alternative translation of the Bible puts God’s decision to make a companion for Adam like this, “I shall make a sustainer beside him”, and I find that very helpful because it emphasises the way men and women are made to complement one another and that women are not secondary to men. However I did not appreciate being told that a woman’s central question is, “Am I lovely?” That might be a question that is important to some women but I don’t believe it’s a central one, I think that for men and women alike the question is more like, “Am I accepted/acceptable?” This was followed up with stuff about little girls wanting to be princesses and liking horses and apparently as little girls we “go through a season when [we] will not wear anything if it does not twirl”. Now if you know me at all, you’ll know that to say I’m a tomboy is an understatement! I do not feel that this detracts from my femininity, I am more comfortable expressing my feminine nature in other ways – surely it’s not just about princesses, horses and twirly dresses! I guess that’s just my take on this book, I believe that for some it’s been very helpful and that’s great, I’m happy for them. If you want to read more there’s an interesting article on the Sophia network exploring the trend of Christian writing on the differences between the sexes.

Then We Came to the End...
I just finished this book the other night and found it to be a good read. I'd picked it up at the airport in Newark on my way back from Arizona and was attracted by the reviews. For about the first 50 pages or so I was struggling - it wasn't that it was difficult to read or to get into but it was more that I just thought the characters were very unlikeable and maybe even a bit unworthy. But then...I got into it and got wrapped up in the lives and stories of the characters who were fairly ordinary (note I used the word ordinary not normal haha!) and were just trying to survive the 9-5 with some dignity and self-respect. It's the author's first novel (tho' he's done a number of short stories before this) and I liked his style of writing in the first person plural, definitely adds to the office environment he portrays. All in all, it's funny, very clever and touching.

NB. If you haven’t seen the film and want to, don’t read my comments on it here, as I might spoil it for you!

I went to see The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian the other night and to be honest I was really disappointed. I’m a bit of a Narnia devotee as I’ve loved the books ever since I read them when I was about 10 years old. I still give them all a regular re-read and I hear God speaking to me time and time again – His character and nature constantly leap afresh from the pages (excuse the pun!) and there’s a part of me which hopes that when I meet my Maker one day he’ll look like the Aslan of my imagination: immense, golden, awesome and full of love.

The first film instalment – The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe – wasn’t a bad interpretation but I’d give it a ‘could do better’ (I know I’m harsh eh?!). Maybe if you haven’t read the books (and where have you been all your life?) you’ll be able to assess The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian for what it is – a film, but my main gripe is that the spirit of the books is missing and as a result the motion picture is just another summer blockbuster, lacking heart. It therefore stands in direct contrast to The Lord of the Rings trilogy in which case it was obvious that the director and many of the main actors had the essence of Middle-Earth pretty well sussed.

There is a good review here and further interesting comment here so I’m not going to do a major dissection of Caspian suffice to say that (spoilers coming up now!) Peter’s character hasn’t improved since the first film – he’s less of a wuss but has no notion of leadership, the timing of key events is all wrong, Aslan hardly features and comes across as seemingly impotent or at best indifferent, Caspian’s speech to the Narnians exhorting them to follow his leadership left me uninspired – I wasn’t convinced he was a true believer in Old Narnia, and the whole ‘let’s storm Miraz’s place’ thing is sheer fallacy adding a good 45 minutes to the film when the time could have been better spent on details missed elsewhere. The one bit I did like that wasn’t in the book was the physical appearance of the White Witch as I thought that scene demonstrated the strength of temptation to reject Aslan’s way. But I also felt sorry for David Walliams’ Bulgy Bear because he only got one line and anyone who hasn’t read the book wouldn’t appreciate the humour of seeing him standing there sucking his paws. Maybe the editing team got carried away and cut out earlier scenes featuring the Bulgy Bears (yet more sacrilege!). So overall The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian showed promise at the start but I think there’s a danger that like the first film, its soundtrack will be more satisfying than what happens on-screen. The long and short of it is that you’ll fully discover the Deeper Magic if you get your nose stuck in all 7 books!

Interesting article here about GP Taylor, author of Shadowmancer and Wormwood.

Christmas, kayaking & gifts

Well it’s turned out to be a busy Christmas, but busy in a really great way. I’ve been able to get caught up with a lot of friends and family, and the craic has been good. But I think I’ll be going back to work for a rest, I’m shattered now! I haven’t got half the things done I wanted to get done but hey, those things (like thinking up my dissertation title, cleaning my windows, putting up pictures in the flat etc) can always wait till another day. Anyway it’s priceless to spend time with the people who matter to you. I did manage to clean my car out on the inside, it was boggin’! Oh and I made butternut squash soup which I’ve been in the notion of for ages. The only thing that spoiled Christmas, and only slightly at that, was that I had constant heartburn from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day, and that was before I’d got started to any Christmas treats!

A highlight of course has been kayaking and the club got together twice in the last few days – woo-hoo! On Thursday we headed to Omagh and took a spin down the Mourne River which had some good sections of rapids but no real playspots. However I managed not to swim at all! And then yesterday we headed to the Bann and did a different section of it than we usually do. There was a fair bit of water so it was running at Grade II. I swam just a couple of times, but I managed a roll coming off a rapid which gave me a real buzz, hee hee!

Oh and I got some fantastic presents! The new U2 book – excellent reading; a couple of seasons of the MASH TV series – my all-time favourite TV show! And the ultimate Christmas gift…a garden shed!!! Now I’ll have somewhere to store my bike, and maybe I’ll even start cycling to work. And of course it’s good to know that whenever I manage to get my own kayak, it’ll have a home, hee hee!

Thought for the day
"If you want something that you've never had before, the chances are that you'll have to do something that you've never done before." - Matt Bird in Manifesto for Life

Jobless but trying to be purposeful
I am now entering my 4th week of unemployment and to be honest it’s getting a bit frustrating. It was ok at first - it’s not as if I have nothing to do, there’s plenty I can be getting on with like filling in job application forms and sorting out stuff round the house – today I’m wallpaper-stripping. But the jobless thing is beginning to get on my nerves a bit now. And more than that the old finances aren’t very healthy! I guess I just gotta keep trusting and listening out for what God wants me to learn …and for who he wants me to be. The temptation is to get preoccupied with life’s details e.g. getting the bills paid every month and focussing on ‘doing’ rather than ‘being’. But as the message of Rick Warren’s book says, my purpose in life is not to make a living - it’s more about who I am as a person: "After learning to love God (worship), learning to love others is the second purpose of your life." (p.125 The Purpose-Driven Life) Not easy though!

Growing old?
This day last week I was feeling somewhat traumatised when I woke up – last Tuesday 6th September 2005 was the last day of my twenties. Inwardly I was screaming, “Aaaaagggghhhhh!” Part of me was thinking that surely I should have achieved more by now. I was finding it kind of scary to think that my character had pretty much been formed by now and there would be no going back. And the question bugging me was, can I really change much from now on?

But then I started thinking some more (rather inspired actually for about 9am when I still hadn’t made it out of the bed!) about some of the stuff Bono says in his book – how we’re way too obsessed with youth in our culture. He finds so much value from being around older people – people he looks up to, who have gained wisdom over time and have learned the meaning of graceful living, people like Nelson Mandela, Jonny Cash (before he died), Desmond Tutu…

And actually, I want to be like that, I want to grow old and wise. Maybe I can have more to give when I’m older, not less. Maybe there is much more to look forward to. And anyway, it’s far better to look forward than back.

It’s kind of funny because I remember about 5 years ago when I started the job with YFC in Dungannon saying that I didn’t care if I died before 30 because at least I would have lived, I would have lived to make a difference. My life, even if short, would have had some meaning. I felt so passionate about what God had called me to that in some ways I kind of looked down on people who did ‘ordinary’ jobs. I felt that I could never do a job that didn’t ‘make a difference’ in the lives of people. My journey through burnout has thankfully changed some of my attitudes with all that. I’ve learnt more abut the importance of ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’ all the time and I can see the value in any job when you’re doing what you’re called to do. In a lot of ways what I said 5 years ago is still true – I’m not scared of dying young, because I still feel I’ve lived a full life. But I guess I just don’t want to sell myself short, because age does have value despite what the culture around us says.

It struck me that that’s the way God works – He’s our Redeemer, and redeems us whatever age we are. Age is no barrier, plus God hasn’t finished with us yet, so the best is yet to come! Bring it on!

"...it is impossible to meet God with sunglasses on. It is impossible to meet God without abandon, without exposing yourself, being raw." - Bono in 'Bono on Bono'

Read this last night and thought, how true! I'm not always very good at taking the sunglassess off in front of God...with the result that I then let the sunglassess obscure my vision of who God is and his true character.

Right here...right now

"Because God is with you all the time, no place is any closer to God than the place where you are right now."
Was hit afresh by this truth last night when I read it in the Purpose Driven Life and just thought, "WOW!" God’s presence is truly an awesome thing.