Calling and vision
Wiggy and Peter wrote some brilliant stuff recently (check them out here and here) which got me thinking about our ideas around having a ‘calling’. I hate it when Christians talk about their ‘calling’ as if they’re better than everyone else, as if they’re God’s one and only right-hand man or woman. We’ve all got a calling on our lives, but sometimes it’s not about some grand scheme, it’s just about being faithful and obedient. Some folks are stuck in dead-end jobs that are driving them astray but they are fulfilling their calling because they’re a faithful witness to Christ to their colleagues, or they’re bringing home wages to provide for their family’s welfare. I have to admit that I had a very strong sense of calling when I started working for YFC in Dungannon. And although there were a lot of things that were right about it and my time there, it all seemed to end in tears … Was the calling wrong, was the vision wrong? I guess there will always be some unanswered questions which can be painful. However I have to say that although the whole burnout thing was hugely painful, the process of God breaking me down and building me back up was hugely significant for me, he really did take me deeper into him. And on the other side of all that I feel so much more whole in Him. My roots have gone deeper. So now I’ve begun to dream again, with some pretty crazy ideas for the future. Am I scared my dreams are all wrong, that I’ll crash and burn again? Yeah – a bit. But I think and hope I’m a little more grounded now. I’m trying not to hold on just as tightly to the dreams and hopes, they don’t define me, they don’t give me status, God does. I’m trying not to focus on these visions and ideas as things which will propel me to membership of the super-Christian league. I’m trying not to have illusions of grandeur, I’m trying not to be ‘somebody’ because if it goes belly-up I’ll be left with nothing, I’ll have been building castles in the sky and in the wrong places. And this is where good friends will come in – helping to keep me grounded!

Free!
My time with John & Abbey was a special one, not just in terms of being able to catch up properly with them, see how they’re doing etc. But the last time I visited them was in Jan ’05 when I was in the midst of recovering from burnout, and even though I’d been off work about 3 months by that stage I was still a very fragile person. But two and a half years on I’m such a different person which they could see in me, they could sense the liberation and peace in me, and that was hugely affirming. And it’s true – I’ve moved on so much. I do feel like I’ve become more of who I am. I feel a peace, I feel like there’s no rush, I don’t feel I have to prove anything anymore, I don’t have to strive, I don’t have to compete, I don’t have to try to be ‘somebody’, I don’t want to be the bionic woman anymore…I just want to enjoy life and if I can bring glory to God, that’s so great. At times I do kind of wonder if I should be doing ‘more’ for God, that maybe I’m just cruising too much or something. But John reminded me that actually I’m in the centre of God’s will right now, I don’t have to try and get somewhere. And there have even been times when I’ve worried that I’m not thinking big deep meaningful thoughts, but I think that has come from a contentment to just ‘be’. I feel a huge sense of gratitude for what God has done in my life and how he’s brought me through thus far on the journey. And it’s not that I’m sussed or sorted or problem-free or anything like that…there’s just a sense of peace and that’s great!

Waiting for the dawn
Well the last couple of weeks have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride and I can’t see that that will change over the next few weeks, I just have to keep riding the waves. Today was officially my last day as an employee of the SEELB though I had a day’s leave left to take so used the time to finish an application form and met up with a friend for lunch. On Monday I’ll be heading to the dole office. I’ve got about 6 applications in the pipeline at various stages so I’m really hoping that something comes up soon otherwise to be honest I just don’t know what I’ll do. Run off with the circus maybe…I also met up with some of the girls from work for a wee after-work-drink and the craic was good – a great bunch of people to work with and I was really touched when they and the rest of the people in work got me some lovely gifts yesterday.

My prayer journal has been going from one extreme to the other – from prayers of absolute desperation questioning where my life is headed, to prayers of gratitude for the blessings in my life asking for strength to be faithful in everything. I think back to the start of the year when my house in Dungannon was sold but I hadn’t a new place. I was beginning to think that I was never going to be able to leave Dungannon…no offence is intended towards any Dungannon folk reading this, but the last couple of years have been pretty tough for me and I’ve found it hard to process everything. So I’ve felt that I’ve needed to physically move in order to draw a line under the past and look to the future. And now I have, and that is major progress. And when I think about it there were a lot of good things about 2005 – the China trip, joining the Kayak club, the wee job at Eason’s, the trip to the US at the beginning of the year. Those things are proof that good things do happen. When I’m down I’m tempted to get into a downward spiral of negative thinking - that since my illness in 2004 I haven’t been able to move on, that I don’t have a future, that I’m always going to feel like a misfit, that my career is down the tubes etc etc. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, I can get into a real panic about stuff and be totally blind to the fact that in the midst of everything, God is there. Here’s some of the handholds he’s given me over the last week or so when I’ve felt like I’m losing my grip:

The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.
Psalm 121:5
- God doesn’t send a deputy to look out for me, I’m important enough to him, that He himself always stays right by my side!

Those who plant in tears
Will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
But they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126:5-6
- My tears won’t have been for nothing. They’re not meaningless. There will be a time to reap the harvest.

From the depths of despair, O LORD,
I call for your help.
Hear my cry O LORD.
Pay attention to my prayer.

LORD if you kept a record of our sins,
Who, O LORD, could ever survive?
But you offer forgiveness,
That we might learn to fear you.

I am counting on the LORD;
Yes I am counting on him,
I have put my hope in his word.
I long for the LORD
More than sentries long for the dawn,
Yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.

O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows.
He himself will redeem Israel
from every kind of sin.
Psalm 130

We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through good times with him!
Romans 8:17 (The Message)

Let the process go on until your endurance is fully developed and you will find that you have become men [and women!] of mature character…with no weak spots.
James 1:3-4 (JB Phillips paraphrase)

Yep…I’m just another traveller…on another winding road…I just want to make it round the next few bends.

Growing old?
This day last week I was feeling somewhat traumatised when I woke up – last Tuesday 6th September 2005 was the last day of my twenties. Inwardly I was screaming, “Aaaaagggghhhhh!” Part of me was thinking that surely I should have achieved more by now. I was finding it kind of scary to think that my character had pretty much been formed by now and there would be no going back. And the question bugging me was, can I really change much from now on?

But then I started thinking some more (rather inspired actually for about 9am when I still hadn’t made it out of the bed!) about some of the stuff Bono says in his book – how we’re way too obsessed with youth in our culture. He finds so much value from being around older people – people he looks up to, who have gained wisdom over time and have learned the meaning of graceful living, people like Nelson Mandela, Jonny Cash (before he died), Desmond Tutu…

And actually, I want to be like that, I want to grow old and wise. Maybe I can have more to give when I’m older, not less. Maybe there is much more to look forward to. And anyway, it’s far better to look forward than back.

It’s kind of funny because I remember about 5 years ago when I started the job with YFC in Dungannon saying that I didn’t care if I died before 30 because at least I would have lived, I would have lived to make a difference. My life, even if short, would have had some meaning. I felt so passionate about what God had called me to that in some ways I kind of looked down on people who did ‘ordinary’ jobs. I felt that I could never do a job that didn’t ‘make a difference’ in the lives of people. My journey through burnout has thankfully changed some of my attitudes with all that. I’ve learnt more abut the importance of ‘being’ rather than ‘doing’ all the time and I can see the value in any job when you’re doing what you’re called to do. In a lot of ways what I said 5 years ago is still true – I’m not scared of dying young, because I still feel I’ve lived a full life. But I guess I just don’t want to sell myself short, because age does have value despite what the culture around us says.

It struck me that that’s the way God works – He’s our Redeemer, and redeems us whatever age we are. Age is no barrier, plus God hasn’t finished with us yet, so the best is yet to come! Bring it on!

Changing Times
Well a momentous decision has been made…I have resigned my post with Dungannon Youth For Christ! The past 5 months have obviously been pretty tough and I just feel that I need to continue to take time out to heal. There is a big sense of release in deciding to move on but it’s hard to let go of YFC too. I have absolutely loved being part of the organisation and being part of a great team of people. And in Dungannon I spent a lot of time building up a lot of relationships, structures etc – this was my whole life! So it’s hard now to walk away from all that. But I have a lot of precious memories to take away with me and it’s been a real privilege to do what I’ve done for the past 4 and a half years. There have been hard times but to be honest, I wouldn’t change a single thing. (Reflections will continue on the Burnout Blog!)

So what next? Well things are still a bit sketchy but at the moment I’m focussing on getting a wee part-time job (Tesco’s/Spar/coffee shop…?) and getting my spare room ready to let out to help pay the bills. Lots of changes are taking place and I’d appreciate your prayers that things would work out particularly as I try to ‘re-integrate’ myself back into the world! For the medium term I’ve got various ideas floating around, most of them involving travel abroad! But we’ll see, I need to take things one step at a time, there are some pretty big decisions there and I don’t want to rush into anything – I need to make sure that my motivations are right. Most of all I guess I just need God’s leading – it’s got to be a ‘God-thing’. And the long-term future? Well who knows?! I’m not turning my back on youth work, and some day I would still like to complete the Masters Course in Youth & Community Work. But we’ll see. You never know, maybe you’ll see me on the next series of Brat Camp! I think I could handle rounding up the cattle and telling kids to get into their stone circles!

In the land of the free
I'm in America! And having an absolute ball to myself! Staying in Michigan with John & Abbey Johnston, just got here Wednesday night and it's just been so great - feeling really relaxed. It's absolutely Baltic outside today, a right bit of snow falling, but some blue skies too which is nice. Took a quick walk through downtown Grand Rapids but it was so blinkin' cold we went into the first coffee shop we came across to thaw out! I'm not exactly here to do lots of touristy stuff, more to hang out - and it's just so great! Feel like I'm really being ministered to - there'll probably be a post about that on my Burnout Blog at some stage.

Today I briefly met this guy who is big into hunting and in his study he has a number of stag heads and a stuffed bear that he has shot! Wow! I realise that could offend some people's sensitivities but I just found it fascinating to see this thing looking back at me! Last night a couple of John & Abbey's friends came round just to hang out which was really great craic. We started playing this crazy coin-tossing game on the kitchen floor which was so hilarious. Johnboy corrupted us enough to play a drinking game version with Diet Coke - if the person next to you got their penny into your glass you had to down it in one! I ended up consuming 2 full tumblers of Diet Coke - felt the burn! Needless to say there was lots of belching going on!

Yesterday afternoon John dropped me off at the mall while he had some things to do. Those of you who know me well will be wondering how on earth I coped with being in a mall - shopping is usually my idea of torture! But actually I enjoyed just wandering casually around, no pressure, just taking it all in. Plus I bought a pair of good trail shoes for $50 - with the favourable exchange rate at the moment, I thought it was a pretty good deal.

So that's the latest so far. Until the next time...

Well folks, I’ve been somewhat AWOL in blogland in recent times…the reason being that I’ve been on sick leave for the past 2 months – basically I had been burning the candle at both ends for too long what with work and my Masters course. So I’ve kind of been hiding from the world. I’m not out the other side yet, though I’m getting there slowly but surely, it’s just going to take some time. I’ve been holding people at more than arm’s length over the past number of weeks, but gradually I’m coming out of my shell, though it’s still slow. After I went off I decided to start a new blog, my ‘Burnout Blog’ which as of now I’m making public for the first time (momentous eh?!). So if you’re interested you can surf over to the new site for a glimpse inside my head – not always pretty I can tell you! (oh and if you want to go chronologically you’ll have to read from the bottom up.) I’ll get back to this blog at some point in the future. Take care for now…