Waiting for the dawn
Well the last couple of weeks have been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster ride and I can’t see that that will change over the next few weeks, I just have to keep riding the waves. Today was officially my last day as an employee of the SEELB though I had a day’s leave left to take so used the time to finish an application form and met up with a friend for lunch. On Monday I’ll be heading to the dole office. I’ve got about 6 applications in the pipeline at various stages so I’m really hoping that something comes up soon otherwise to be honest I just don’t know what I’ll do. Run off with the circus maybe…I also met up with some of the girls from work for a wee after-work-drink and the craic was good – a great bunch of people to work with and I was really touched when they and the rest of the people in work got me some lovely gifts yesterday.

My prayer journal has been going from one extreme to the other – from prayers of absolute desperation questioning where my life is headed, to prayers of gratitude for the blessings in my life asking for strength to be faithful in everything. I think back to the start of the year when my house in Dungannon was sold but I hadn’t a new place. I was beginning to think that I was never going to be able to leave Dungannon…no offence is intended towards any Dungannon folk reading this, but the last couple of years have been pretty tough for me and I’ve found it hard to process everything. So I’ve felt that I’ve needed to physically move in order to draw a line under the past and look to the future. And now I have, and that is major progress. And when I think about it there were a lot of good things about 2005 – the China trip, joining the Kayak club, the wee job at Eason’s, the trip to the US at the beginning of the year. Those things are proof that good things do happen. When I’m down I’m tempted to get into a downward spiral of negative thinking - that since my illness in 2004 I haven’t been able to move on, that I don’t have a future, that I’m always going to feel like a misfit, that my career is down the tubes etc etc. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees, I can get into a real panic about stuff and be totally blind to the fact that in the midst of everything, God is there. Here’s some of the handholds he’s given me over the last week or so when I’ve felt like I’m losing my grip:

The LORD himself watches over you! The LORD stands beside you as your protective shade.
Psalm 121:5
- God doesn’t send a deputy to look out for me, I’m important enough to him, that He himself always stays right by my side!

Those who plant in tears
Will harvest with shouts of joy.
They weep as they go to plant their seed,
But they sing as they return with the harvest.
Psalm 126:5-6
- My tears won’t have been for nothing. They’re not meaningless. There will be a time to reap the harvest.

From the depths of despair, O LORD,
I call for your help.
Hear my cry O LORD.
Pay attention to my prayer.

LORD if you kept a record of our sins,
Who, O LORD, could ever survive?
But you offer forgiveness,
That we might learn to fear you.

I am counting on the LORD;
Yes I am counting on him,
I have put my hope in his word.
I long for the LORD
More than sentries long for the dawn,
Yes, more than sentries long for the dawn.

O Israel, hope in the LORD;
For with the LORD there is unfailing love.
His redemption overflows.
He himself will redeem Israel
from every kind of sin.
Psalm 130

We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we’re certainly going to go through good times with him!
Romans 8:17 (The Message)

Let the process go on until your endurance is fully developed and you will find that you have become men [and women!] of mature character…with no weak spots.
James 1:3-4 (JB Phillips paraphrase)

Yep…I’m just another traveller…on another winding road…I just want to make it round the next few bends.