There goes the fear...
If I knew how to have a soundtrack playing to this particular post it would be "There goes the fear" by Doves. Today we were kayaking on the Bann, and it was baltic! In the morning we did some theory on whitewater rescue, practiced working with throw-bags etc and in the process heard a couple of horror stories which to be honest kinda freaked me out, I was almost thinking that I should take up knitting (but only almost!). Anyway we didn't get on the river till near enough 3pm, but with the rain this week there was plenty of water which always makes me happy. However going down one of the first main rapids I collided into one of the other guys (I think), lost my balance and capsized. I tried for a roll, (though when I think about it it was a bit of a half-hearted attempt, I didn't take time to think clearly to get it right, in fact I think I was panicking from the outset) and didn't manage it so immediately reached for the handle on my spraydeck, pulled and nothing happened. I realized later I'd actually grabbed the bit of rope attached to the grab handle on the front of the boat. I tried about 3 good yanks to get the darned thing to pop and of course nothing was happening. By this stage I was running out of air, was freaked out by the realization I was trapped in the boat upside down and believe me I was praying and wondering if my time was coming. I was even having visions of the guys having to roll me up unconscious. To say I was scared is a major understatement. So I got my hands out of the water, to get the guys' attention then I felt one of the other guy's boats, so was able to use his boat to flip myself round, although I kind of hung onto him for a bit first to get some air into my lungs before getting my legs out of my boat.

Now really I could have got out of this whole panic a lot quicker if I'd gone for an 'eskimo rescue' when I couldn't get the spraydeck handle - I've been through the drill so many times before - if you flip and can't get up, wallop the sides of your boat with your hands 3 times and someone else will come over, you can grab their boat and hip-flick yourself right back up. My main problem is that I find it really hard to think clearly when underwater - pretty natural really, the water is so darned cold and you just want to get out of there. I definitely need to work on staying calm and thinking rationally and logically to go through the right procedures. Because actually Rodger was right there beside me when I flipped over at the first - everybody looks out for each other on the river because, as we learnt this morning, everyone is responsible for everyone else's safety.

I got a breather on the river bank, got my boat emptied of water etc and tried to collect myself but to be honest I was totally freaked out by it all. This happened at one of the main playspots on the run and usually I'm right in there. Really since about last September/October my confidence has gone up bucketloads and I'm trying stuff I wouldn't have dreamed of a year ago. But today that just went by the wayside - the fire in my belly seemed to go out, I was just too freaked. So I was really hanging back, the instructor tried to encourage me to go for a bit of a play which I tentatively did but again collided into someone else and didn't manage to prevent myself from capsizing. This time I'd no problems popping the deck but I was so darned frustrated and scared and was considering buying a pair of knitting needles!

We were short on time today so headed on down the river once I got my boat sorted, but actually it was the first time ever that I just wanted to get off the river and go home. I was even thinking that a good cry would be in order when I got home! I was just full of fear and dreading every big weir/rapid that came up. Although I didn't capsize the rest of the run, and probably didn't paddle badly, I didn't have any confidence to play and I was even really nervous about ferrygliding (crossing the current from one side of the river to the other). I don't think I cracked a smile hardly at all the the rest of the run - total sense of humour failure - I was so glad to see the take-out!

All in all I guess I just had a bad day on the river, everyone gets them once in a while. I'm a bit annoyed with myself now. Kayaking is as much a mental sport as a physical one and your frame of mind is pretty crucial. If I'd taken a positive outlook after that inital swim maybe I could have had a better day, who knows. Kayaking has become so important to me over the last year, I love it so much and today the shine has gone out of it a little. The club is planning a trip to Scotland at the end of March and I was really keen for it and now I'm not so sure, I don't know if I'm up to it... But tomorrow is a new day, I'll get back on the water next Saturday and try to push myself - hopefully if I get past the fear that consumed me today then it'll make me a stronger and better paddler.

Here endeth my therapy session, it's time for bed!